Productive Procrastination: Impromptu Pregnancies

It is once again the part of the semester where huge projects are due in about two weeks. This means, of course, I've spent grueling hours in the library, painstakingly crafting clever and original sentences about Dickens and Jumpha Lahiri (not the same sentences).

Ha, ha, ha. I kid. What it DOES mean is that I'm procrastinating hard core, which generally means playing Peggle WHILE watching TLC. Tonight's fare is especially lively: "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." This show, as you can imagine, follows the stories of women who...didn't...know...they were pregnant. It is simultaneously fascinating, hilarious, and terrifying. What follows are some of the highlights/my observations.

- I've noticed that most, if not all, these women are Southern. Now, I'm not suggesting anything like correlation = causation, but...well, you can see where I'm going with this.

- The show intersperses interviews with the real-life women featured with dramatizations of how they discovered they were pregnant (more often than not, it was giving birth that gave it away). The dramatizations are generally awesome and ridiculous and frequently feature the actress portraying the pregnant woman screeching "I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT!" (Hey, that's the name of the show!).

- The actress portraying the currently featured woman (Danille. Not Danielle. Danille) is, I'm pretty sure, wearing a Bump-It.

- Based on this show, I've determined that 90% of babies land in toilets. One woman gave birth in the bathroom of the fast food restaurant where she worked. It, naturally, landed in the toilet. The 911 dispatcher had to tell them to take the baby out of the toilet immediately. Um, duh?

- Speaking of toilets, one woman mistook giving birth for a large, but incredibly satisfying, bowel movement.

- The narrator offers useful hints like, "Debilitated with pain, Danille--and her newborn--needed immediate life-saving medical care." Oh, really? I thought it would be a good time to take in dinner and a show.

- How ridiculous would the phone calls you'd need to make be after something like that? "Oh, sorry, professor, I missed class yesterday because I was in the hospital giving birth to a baby I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT WITH." "Hi, Mom? So, um, I didn't know I was pregnant, but I just gave birth to a baby and I need a ride home from the hospital." "Hi, Dave? I know we broke up last week, but I just gave birth to your son. Yeah, I didn't know I was pregnant either. How 'bout that?"

- Almost none of these woman had any symptoms of pregnancy, and around half of them have been pregnant before. One young woman, whose regular weight was 99 pounds, only gained 10 pounds during her pregnancy, and was still wearing bikinis. NO ONE NOTICED. The few who did take pregnancy tests got negative results. This stimulates my "irrational fear" response. I have put on weight lately...

The moral of this entry is, even if you don't think you are, you are probably pregnant.