Some More Tips and Tricks from Cosmo

Hey ladies! You've been struggling to find things to say that you know would make your BF happy, right? It's so hard (that's what she said)! I mean, you could go the boring route and say stupid crap like, "Oh, you're so important to me" and "I really like the way you make me feel" and "I'm so glad we can communicate on a meaningful and intellectual level." But that would make you sound like a chump. If you really want to wow your guy, use these Sentences He'd Be Psyched to Hear:

• "Boy, nothing helps me wind down after a long day at work like giving you a blow job."
  Oral sex: America's pastime.
  

• "More of my homemade jerky, darling?"
  They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach with dehydrated meat.

• "Ooh, it makes me so hot when you explain the intricacies of baseball's infield-fly rule."
  Because lying is the foundation of any solid relationship.

• "That pile of laundry isn't going to do itself...which is why I'm gonna do it!"
  Just like his mom used to say. Wait, what?
  

• "It feels like you've put on a lot of weight...in your penis, I mean."
  PURE GOLD, AS USUAL, COSMO.

Wait, what do you mean, these lines don't sound realistic/they are sexist? Well, if you're going to blather on about "equality" and "compromise," then here's some examples of deals you and your significant other can make that I think will make everyone happy.

Convincing him to do chores:
Him: He's unfazed by a messy desk, dirty dishes, and unfolded laundry.
You: Have an organized MO.
Compromise: Agree to feather-dust topless...but ONLY while he's straightening up.

Making Hookups Hotter
Him: He digs doggie-style
You: Prefer positions that feel more connected.
Compromise: Lie facedown with him lying on top of you. Voila!--intimate doggie-style. Slash date rape.

Solving the Toilet-Seat Feud
Him: He leaves the seat up.
You: Don't like hitting cold porcelain at midnight.
Compromise: A padded seat cover--it makes it virtually impossible for the seat to stay up. OR YOU COULD JUST LOOK BEFORE YOU SIT DOWN. YOU KNOW.

If these don't solve your problems, your relationship is probably unsalvageable.