So I have to replace myself at work. I posted the "job spec" on Craigslist today at 1 pm, and have already had to sift through over 30 replies. In the process, I have compiled a list of "Tips for Not Immediately Removing Yourself from the Candidate Pile."
- Don't just send a resume with no preamble. Personally, I always send a resume WITH a cover letter that speaks to specific points mentioned in the job posting. You know, exactly what a cover letter is supposed to do. If you don't care enough to introduce yourself with some sort of blurb before your resume, I don't care enough to hire you.
- If you were wondering why it is worth your while to behave yourself while living in the dorms, just think: the person who has to type up and send out all 6 of your write-up letters might one day be in a position to deny you employment. And she will. Gleefully. And then blog about it.
- I know I'm a grammar nerd, and I don't expect everyone to have the ridiculously high standards as I have, but please, proofread your cover letter. I don't care if you're a "fast leaner," and how does one "posses" skills? Additionally, please learn basic punctuation. Don't use a semi-colon if you don't know how to do so. And use double quotation marks ("), not single ones ('); we're not in England.
- On the flipside, don't punctuate things that don't require it to try to look smart. It's craigslist.com, not Craig's List. You're just making shit up. Similarly, don't use words you don't know. I don't want someone with "an agreeable persona." I need all the facets of your personality to be agreeable, if not downright lovable.
- You're supposed to be telling me the things about you that make you a good candidate for the position I'm offering. So don't tell me you're "a good listener." I'm not trying to date you. I also don't need to know that you make a great Massaman chicken or that you like long walks on the beach. (Credit to Jenny for the Massaman chicken line.)
- I would think this is common sense, but if you're trying to appear to be a responsible, professional candidate for a job, set your Facebook profile accordingly (whether that means removing offensive material or just upping the privacy settings). I'm not going to hire you if 80% of your pictures involve drinking or show you engaging in recreational drug use. Sorry.
I hope these tips and tricks help you all with your job searches in these troubled economic times. If you can only remember one thing, make it: DON'T BE A DUMBASS.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Not technically a list, but...
Last night I had a dream about Sarah Palin, and I have to write it down so I don't forget it.
In my dream, I discovered that the reason Sarah Palin announced her resignation was so that she could teach at my high school, at which, for unknown reasons, I was still a student. I'm not sure what she was teaching; I don't think my brain assigned her an actual subject, because God knows she's not really qualified to teach anything. They don't teach huntin' in school anymore.
Anyway, for whatever reason, I was taking Sarah Palin's class in whatever she was teaching, and we had an exam. I happened to witness SP interrogating a girl who was sitting down to the test with a cheat sheet. SP questioned her about the small slip of pink paper the girl had in front of her, and the girl explained that it was the answer to question two ("What is Sarah Palin's favorite flower?"). While the girl was explaining herself, SP was rooting around in the girl's oversized, furry pink bag, but found nothing else incriminating. As I'm watching this, I'm thinking, "Oh man, this girl's in trouble!" but to my surprise, SP considers the situation, then says, "OK dear, you're fine." Inwardly, I'm outraged that the girl is going to get away with cheating, but I don't say anything.
Then another student who saw the event says, "But she's cheating. That's cheating!" This gives me the courage to pipe up and say, "And it's against the school's code of conduct." (Way to bring in the big guns, dream-me!) At which SP gets all flustered and finally sends the cheating girl out of the room, presumably to some sort of disciplinary action.
I take my seat and prepare for the exam. On my desk is a manila folder that has "I HATE SARAH PALIN" scrawled on it, with photos and articles and news clippings supporting why I don't approve of the former governor. I imagine it included things like this. Now, it suddenly occurs to me that this might not be the wisest time or place to display my disapproval of SP. I'm in the act of chewing some gum that I plan to use to stick another piece of paper over the folder, covering the statement of dissent (I guess putting the folder away in my backpack wasn't an option) when Professor Palin walks over and sees the folder in all its Palin-hatin' glory.
Now, while Sarah Palin might not be smart (or fair or reasonable or a feminist...), she is politically canny in many ways, in my dream and in real life. She instantly sees, in the folder, a chance to go after me, the loudmouth girl who showed her up moments before for not having any academic integrity. She quickly begins freaking out loudly, exclaiming about how inappropriate and rude I am and what trouble I'm in. Sarah Palin grabs the folder and brandishes it about, shouting about what a terrible person I am.
The dream fast-forwards at this point, to me in what seems like a dorm room (I realize this scenario doesn't tally with the high school part before. I apologize for my unconscious's lack of continuity). I'm just waking up in the morning, and I have several roommates in the room as well. They all tell me that they agree with my anti-Palin sentiments and that they are impressed with what I did. Then one of them says, "She's coming!"
I immediately pretend to be asleep, and I hear Sarah Palin march into our room. She gets up close to my face and says, "I know you're faking, look at me." I open my eyes. She shoves a letter in my face and sneers, "You'll be glad to know THIS is going home to your parents!" I don't remember the exact text of the letter, if there even was any actual text within the dream. I do recall that it rambled on about seemingly unrelated issues and didn't really make sense, nor did it indicate what would happen to me or what Sarah Palin would do in the future (wonder where that idea came from?). Continuing to smirk, SP shows me on the letter where she's signed it ("Love, Sarah") and reminds me that my parents will see it soon. Sobering momentarily, she hisses that I better keep this on the down low. Then she flounces out of the room.
I sit in shock for a moment. I'm not worried about my parents finding out; they don't like her either (well, Greg might... :( ). Incredulously, I ask my friends how she expects people not to find out or make a big deal out of this when she's the one acting hysterical and refusing to let it drop.
Unfortunately, I don't know what happened next because Matt came in and woke me up at this point. Nevertheless, I'm pretty proud of the dream because it is awesome and true to life in so many ways. I hope someday I can meet Sarah Palin and maybe kick her a little.
In my dream, I discovered that the reason Sarah Palin announced her resignation was so that she could teach at my high school, at which, for unknown reasons, I was still a student. I'm not sure what she was teaching; I don't think my brain assigned her an actual subject, because God knows she's not really qualified to teach anything. They don't teach huntin' in school anymore.
Anyway, for whatever reason, I was taking Sarah Palin's class in whatever she was teaching, and we had an exam. I happened to witness SP interrogating a girl who was sitting down to the test with a cheat sheet. SP questioned her about the small slip of pink paper the girl had in front of her, and the girl explained that it was the answer to question two ("What is Sarah Palin's favorite flower?"). While the girl was explaining herself, SP was rooting around in the girl's oversized, furry pink bag, but found nothing else incriminating. As I'm watching this, I'm thinking, "Oh man, this girl's in trouble!" but to my surprise, SP considers the situation, then says, "OK dear, you're fine." Inwardly, I'm outraged that the girl is going to get away with cheating, but I don't say anything.
Then another student who saw the event says, "But she's cheating. That's cheating!" This gives me the courage to pipe up and say, "And it's against the school's code of conduct." (Way to bring in the big guns, dream-me!) At which SP gets all flustered and finally sends the cheating girl out of the room, presumably to some sort of disciplinary action.
I take my seat and prepare for the exam. On my desk is a manila folder that has "I HATE SARAH PALIN" scrawled on it, with photos and articles and news clippings supporting why I don't approve of the former governor. I imagine it included things like this. Now, it suddenly occurs to me that this might not be the wisest time or place to display my disapproval of SP. I'm in the act of chewing some gum that I plan to use to stick another piece of paper over the folder, covering the statement of dissent (I guess putting the folder away in my backpack wasn't an option) when Professor Palin walks over and sees the folder in all its Palin-hatin' glory.
Now, while Sarah Palin might not be smart (or fair or reasonable or a feminist...), she is politically canny in many ways, in my dream and in real life. She instantly sees, in the folder, a chance to go after me, the loudmouth girl who showed her up moments before for not having any academic integrity. She quickly begins freaking out loudly, exclaiming about how inappropriate and rude I am and what trouble I'm in. Sarah Palin grabs the folder and brandishes it about, shouting about what a terrible person I am.
The dream fast-forwards at this point, to me in what seems like a dorm room (I realize this scenario doesn't tally with the high school part before. I apologize for my unconscious's lack of continuity). I'm just waking up in the morning, and I have several roommates in the room as well. They all tell me that they agree with my anti-Palin sentiments and that they are impressed with what I did. Then one of them says, "She's coming!"
I immediately pretend to be asleep, and I hear Sarah Palin march into our room. She gets up close to my face and says, "I know you're faking, look at me." I open my eyes. She shoves a letter in my face and sneers, "You'll be glad to know THIS is going home to your parents!" I don't remember the exact text of the letter, if there even was any actual text within the dream. I do recall that it rambled on about seemingly unrelated issues and didn't really make sense, nor did it indicate what would happen to me or what Sarah Palin would do in the future (wonder where that idea came from?). Continuing to smirk, SP shows me on the letter where she's signed it ("Love, Sarah") and reminds me that my parents will see it soon. Sobering momentarily, she hisses that I better keep this on the down low. Then she flounces out of the room.
I sit in shock for a moment. I'm not worried about my parents finding out; they don't like her either (well, Greg might... :( ). Incredulously, I ask my friends how she expects people not to find out or make a big deal out of this when she's the one acting hysterical and refusing to let it drop.
Unfortunately, I don't know what happened next because Matt came in and woke me up at this point. Nevertheless, I'm pretty proud of the dream because it is awesome and true to life in so many ways. I hope someday I can meet Sarah Palin and maybe kick her a little.
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